Swine flu. Run for my life!
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
