I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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