mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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