i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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