Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
the condom got lost in my hair
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
