He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
