i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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