nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
