mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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