i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
