The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
