I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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