Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
