So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
