I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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