oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
