someone get that fucking seahorse.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
