you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
