Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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