I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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