I'm going to jail i love you
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
