Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize