Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
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