If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
