Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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