Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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