Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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