I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
