so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
If I die, sorry about rent.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
