I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
