When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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