I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
