I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
