Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
