No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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