I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I woke up under a house in Key West
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