Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
