I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
