sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
