some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
