"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
