Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
