I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize