I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
