I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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