true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
