Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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