I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
