I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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