if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize