Where are you?
In a non slutty way
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
