Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize