your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
