When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
