Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
