I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
