Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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