theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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