just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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