White coat. Heels.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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