I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
