Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
