allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
